I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
