Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
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