i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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