Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
