he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
