tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
