I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
