I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
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