I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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