Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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