I CAN MOONWALK!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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