What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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