I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
