How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
