I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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