I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
