The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dicks are not precious.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
