if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
