The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
