Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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