He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
