I got chris browned last night
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
