I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
