for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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