He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
