Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
