ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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