Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
