so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
