How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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