In the future we'll all be gay
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My vagina just clenched in fear
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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