he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
