yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
