OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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