3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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