Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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