I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
