You're my little dorito
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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