Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
