dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
