Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
