oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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