I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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