i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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