i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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