If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
