would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
