I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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