Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
