I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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