My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
